Thursday, December 21, 2006

Running low...

well, the last few days' rants have taken it out of me. Not entirely true, but close enough. Actually, the last few months have taken it out of me, whatever it was. Today my mind rested, while my body rearranged the furniture in my bedroom and threw a bunch of stuff out all over the house. I also began a nice large stack for the Salvation Army.

I think that today has been something of a funk. Certainly not how my days usually wind up. But this morning I woke differently than usual.

I was dreaming about my dad, and I was dreaming that he had died. I was sitting on a curb, crying and confused, trying to figure out what to do next, from getting funeral arrangements ready to retrieving my kids from their other grandparents, to simply standing up. The whole thing was as real as any dream I've ever had. When I was jolted out of it by my son's small voice calling "Mommy!", I didn't know where I was. I turned to tell my husband about my strange dream and he wasn't here. I had to take a few moments to figure out where "here" was, remember that my husband is eight thousand miles away, and then I actually had to think back to July to decide whether my dad really had died or not.

It was the most disconcerting dream I've ever had, combined with the most confusing awakening I've ever had. I did eventually get my mind back on track, but the emotions surrounding the death of my dad (the real death as well as the dream), the absence of my husband, and the stress of this past year have had me in a funk all day. Ok, let's just call a spade a spade: I've been depressed today.

So I do what I always do when I get depressed. I went on a cleaning spree around the house. Now my bedroom is completely redesigned, my living room and kitchen are free of quite a few unnecessary items, and the place is starting to look tidy. It's a hard look to go for with a 2 year old constantly bringing out all the toys that I just put away, and toting them all over the house. But it keeps me busy trying!

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