Monday, September 25, 2006

From a lizard's point of view

My friends recanted a story about their afternoon with a lizard. I'll recant it for you now from the lizard's point of view:

There I was lounging around on my favorite balcony. The sun was shinin', there was a gentle breeze... then this shadow of a large monster of a thing on two legs came up and grabbed me by my tail. Naturally I dropped the thing like last year's headlines. But he grabbed me again, and this time when the tail had to go, it hurt! (They ain't supposed to get that short! Now I know how a Jew feels after a Bris...)

Anyway, the huge bi-pedal thing took me into his dark lair and threw me into a tiled room with some large furry animal with claws and teeth. The furry thing batted me around for a while, and then he brought another furry thing into the room, and it chased me and pinned me to the floor. So I fought back. I bit it right below its mouth, and I hung on.... Eventually the large beast thing pulled the cat away and I fell to the floor. There was a large flat furry thing, so I bit it before it could get me. The large monster laughed and the other furry cat grabbed my leg in its mouth and started pulling at me. I thought I was going to die!! Never have I ever been tortured so much! I told them (in lizard language, of course) that I had no idea what they wanted from me, but that I knew nothing! It didn't seem to matter. I was chewed on, pulled on, grabbed, and finally the big monster pulled me off of the dead furry thing and fought over my body with the cat. Finally I just passed out from the pain.

That's when I found myself placed back on the balcony. I sat there, just basking in the pleasure of not being accosted by anything, and then the big ugly monster tried to flick me off the balcony. As the feeling of air underneath me almost lifted me out into space, I grabbed onto the balcony and held on for dear life.

That's how I found myself here, bruised, lightly broken, and scrambling to get some solid ground underneath me. I'm telling you, if you ever want to bask in the sun... stay away from that place....

1 comment:

redwulf said...

Brilliantly written....but that's just wrong, on a few levels