Sunday, July 23, 2006

Margo's Amazing Advice #1: "Go Geek"

I received an email that is abbreviated and paraphrased into the following:

I'm dating a jerk, really. He disappears for days on end if I mention the word "committment", he doesn't ever want to talk to me about anything, he won't take me anywhere on dates, instead he comes over to my house and then watches TV all night and drinks beer. He's not even all that good in bed! How do I get someone like you described in "Life as Chess"?

Well, first of all, quit keeping beer in your fridge for your boyfriend. Secondly, dump him. Or sleep with his best friend, then he'll just leave on his own.

You've got to understand that men don't talk. They fix things. You complain that some bimbo in a convertible cut you off at the gas pump so you left and your tank is on empty, and a guy worth his weight will go get in your car and go fill it up for you. You say that you don't like the way your vaccuum picks up dirt, and he'll have the thing upside down with a screwdriver in one hand and the vaccuum belt in the other and tweak the thing until it is offically broken beyond repair or sucks as well as that one girl from high school who didn't need a bathroom wall to get her phone number circulated.

But you start a conversation with "You won't believe what Charlene in the office said today about Mitzy's shoes..." and you've got a comatose lump of maleness who is thinking about the fishing trip he wants to take with the guys, not an attentive and caring boyfriend. Not even if you try having the conversation wearing whipped cream and strategically placed maraschino cherries.

Now let's discuss how to get a man like mine. I suggest looking around computer and technology stores -- smaller independent ones, not chains like Best Buy -- for computer geeks. They're usually easy to spot because they're talking to someone about the lastest computer do-dads and what-nots. It's also easy to flirt with them because most will respond favorably with a "How do I set up a printer server to my wireless network?" I do, however, suggest that you know what a printer server and a wireless network is before you use this line, because if you're a complete idiot they'll blow you off rather offendedly.

But once you spot and lure your computer geek towards you, get them started talking about techie stuff. Within an hour they'll think you're a gift from Aphrodite herself, and will more than likely agree to a subtle suggestion of going out sometime. Don't worry, by this time they're so thrilled that a chick picked them up that you can pretty much take over control of the situation and pick the restaurant, the movie, and for the most part call many of the shots from here on.

Why a geek? Ever slept with one? I recommend it. "Revenge of the Nerds" was onto something when Robert Carradine's character responded to the question "are all nerds good in bed?" with something akin to "Yes, it's all we think about."

Another good reason to "go geek" is because when it breaks (whatever it is) they either know how to fix it or know someone who does. Usually they can also McGuyver stuff better than it was originally anyway.

Now, I've had my share of musicians, jocks, white-collar-middle-class-middle-management-ladder-climbers, an engineer or two, members of academia, and even a lawyer, but I'll take my computer geek any day of the week. Believe me, they know the right series of buttons to push to make the system work like it was designed to.

In closing, get rid of the dolt, go find yourself a nice geek, and indulge yourself with some chocolate just because relationships are such hard work.

Your brilliantly talented and humble self-proclaimed and I.Q. tested genius,



SuziSusana said...

you had me laughing out loud with this one.
you couldn't be more correct with this one either.

Al said...

Sounds like it is very well thought out but it does need some tweaking because it is missing the one essential ingredient which is to have it polished by male input.

Yes dump the jerk but don't do it by going to bed with his best friend. This may be an activity that they are both into an figure that girlfriends (aka sex partners) are interchangeable.

Men no longer look at women as being helpless and by having an intelligent conversation with a computer geek they will no longer "just fall in love" because you can speak the same language. A male will know in 5 seconds if you are physically attractive to him and after that it is all personality. Men also realize that women do have the ability to fart and pick their nose but that is not something that they will see happen until after they are married. Which means they also realize that commitment (marriage) means that any changes will be for the worse because there is a perceived less need to cover up the warts after marriage. What you saw ain't what you will get.

The "fix it" days are over with virtually nothing repaired any more. It is cheaper to throw out something that breaks and replace it with something more technologically advanced than to try and order the part, wait for it to arrive, install it and then wait for the next part to fail on something that is obsolete.

So what should you look for? Find somebody who is your equal and keep it as a partnership. It also helps if you do have things in common as far as interests and that the strong point of one can make up for the weaker point in the other and vice-versa. And don't forget that you are both individuals with separate individual needs and that you should also be able to function on your own. Also remember that male and female logic are not one in the same. If you feel that you are to the point that you understand the logic of the opposite sex then you are probably ready for a sex change operation.

"half-life"-addicted ex-boyfriend said...

Just give geeks some latitude: Even though we love to play Tomb Raider, we do not think of Lara Croft as our girl on the side. You shouldn't either.

Margo Crawford said...

When did you dump Lara Croft? Man, you two have been together for years!

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