I have the best friends in the world. I say this because only those that trusted me as much as I trust them would call me at midnight on a Saturday night to keep them awake while they sobered up. The conversation went a bit like this:
"I had fun tonight."
"Good, what'd you do?"
"Some of the guys took me out to the country bar they go to to celebrate my birthday."
"Sounds like fun."
"Well, I'm not, really, but it was fun. I actually flirted with a girl that I thought was gorgeous when I was still sober. The wives of the guys got together and flirted with her for me and got her phone number. I don't have it, mind you, but the wives do."
He said this to me as if it were a conspiracy.
"I didn't think you ever picked up girls in bars."
"She wasn't a 'girl in a bar', she was our waitress."
"Oohhhhh. Well then...."
"Hey, you have to keep me up. I can't fall asleep like this."
"I might pass out."
"You're about to pass out now."
"That's why you have to keep me awake by talking to me."
"Do you know what time it is?"
"Um... a little after midnight."
"Do you have any idea what I was about to do?"
"And you want me to keep you awake by talking to you."
"Can I go ahead and have sex with my husband like I planned?"
"Because I can't have sex."
"Yes, but I'm married, sober, and perfectly capable of falling asleep without fearing passing out."
"I need you to keep me awake. Oh, and I'm a slight bit queasy, so if I disappear on you, I ran to the bathroom."
"Gee thanks. Why don't you go drink a glass of water and take a couple of aspirin?"
"What good is that gonna do me? Besides, my stomach is too full. If I try to drink water right now, I'm going to throw up."
"That might be a good thing at this point."
"Trust me, it wouldn't be. And I drank water throughout the night!"
"It didn't help."
"Well, the waitress... Margo, I swear I thought she was drop-dead gorgeous when I was still sober!... she told me she'd only bring me water to drink if I had a vodka shot first. So every time I wanted water she brought me shots. That's in addition to all the other drinks. I saw her when I was sober when we first got there and she was gorgeous."
"You mentioned that."
"I have her phone number. Well, I don't. But the wives do. The wives of the guys I went to the bar with."
"I followed that."
"Man, I don't feel so good. I think I may sleep in tomorrow."
"I think I may call you at 6 AM when my toddler wakes up."
"No, don't do that. That would be mean."
"I'd like to go to bed. Maybe you should get some sleep."
"I can't go to sleep yet, I might pass out."
"This would make more sense to me if I were fully awake, you realize that?"
"I'm too drunk to go to sleep."
Not wanting to think this over too much, I simply said "Oh, okay."
"I think we're all going out for her birthday at the end of July. The waitress, I mean. The wives are going to call her and set it up. They have her phone number."
I should mention now that this friend might be the shyest male ever to chronologically age past 22, and he's now left his twenties behind him. Still, I'm glad he has the wives of some of his co-workers to help him get laid, or married....
"Yeah, maybe you should get some sleep. I'm pretty...."
"I know I know, you want to have sex with your husband. Go get laid" he said a bit deflated and annoyed that I wasn't willing to stay on the phone all night with him. At least he wasn't going to push the issue, to his credit.
"Well, that's not an option anymore. He's dead asleep. And I was going to say that I'm pretty tired. Since I don't have to worry about passing out from being drunk but might very well pass out from exhaustion...."
"Hey, Margo, I don't feel well. I think I'm gonna head to the bathroom."
"Okay, go get some water. And some sleep. I'm going to" I said and hung up before he could either respond or take the phone with him to the bathroom.
He called at 6:30 PM today, alive and post-hangover by exactly 1 hour. I couldn't help it, being the good friend that I am, I laughed my ass off.
"Glad you made it through the night in one piece. Shall we go celebrate and have a drink?"
He responded with something akin to a growl.